Last night, while contemplating a million things, lying next to S, I realised a lot of things. Because the last month has been a reminder of my times with the ex ( not positive times obviously) , I came to the conclusion that no,despite me being the common factor, it wasn’t/isn’t me thats the problem. At least, a majority of it. The problem is I end up being attracted to guys who cannot communicate and at the drop of a hat have taken me for granted every time there is a new female in their lives – and this is pretty evident. And cool with me too unless you lie to me about it.
Anyway, after that realisation, I just felt I did not want to be with someone like this. You know like how when you start to like someone and you go – oh fuck, i like him/her. Well, same with me, except I went – oh fuck, this does not work for me. And I refuse to compromise on it. If someone really does like me, they will take efforts to show that. Right?
And it is funny how long it took for me to realise that. Stupidly funny. And just like that, I went back into 2016 mode where all my emotions disappeared and I no longer care for anything that doesn’t make me happy. Surprisingly, S was the person that broke the walls, of course unintentionally, but I have felt so many emotions and been through things I never thought I would.
Anyway, a few more months and I would be moving to a new place where I don’t know anyone and there will be new friends, new people. Hopefully, a new better, more energetic me devoid of all the fukbois. Or not. At least the emotions shall be controlled because of the newness of the city and state. I know I will be losing touch with S, mostly because our friendship has run its course for the time being and we both need a lot of time away and also because he’ll be seeing other people and I wouldn’t be ok with it ( 2 years together out of which more than 1 year of living together – sorry babe, can’t do. )
But hey, I am starting college again and I have that to look forward to. And keep myself busy with everything new.
Can you sense that excitement? Cannot wait for August !!
This week has been way too long and a life-changing one at that.
As always, the wait for the sun to rise is always the longest. I don’t want to sleep.Tomorrow, I have to pack my stuff , pick up my girl from her boarding and go home.
Yet, home is not the four walls, but the people in it. And like always, my home is seldom with me.
Few hours ago, I believed very strongly, that I am my home. That if I survived this week, all on my own, then I can literally survive anything on my own. ANYTHING.
And I will. Just not 100%.
For now, I wait for the sun to rise and a phone call.
I don’t really like hospitals very much. They make me cold and emotionless and robotic. I become too practical for my own good. 7 hours wait until sunrise. Binging on chocolates, packing and overthinking. What would I not do to teleport to some place else. The only constant in all these years. The ability to teleport anywhere, anytime. Any wish-granters around?
The Mom Life
It has been a few hours since a friend of mine adopted a puppy. The 30- day puppy ( name yet to be decided) is currently staying at my place until the said friends’ flatmates parents leave.
Besides the fact that she is quite young, she is playful- when she is not sleeping. Unfortunately she hasn’t taken a liking to the cerelac which we got for her, yet.
My room in itself is as baby-friendly as it can get. No furnitures, no wires and lots of open space to roam around. Somehow she has taken a liking to my feet and just nibbles at them every chance she gets.
She has a cough and I am a little worried about that although the vet has already given her a vaccination for that. But every time she sneezes , I am ready to wipe her boogers. For what its worth, she also prefers to sleep everywhere except her bed.
Somehow I can’t concentrate on food while she is awake. So although I am sitting on my chair, trying to eat my falooda ( which I ordered because the dinner was just such a disappointment), all I can think about is , is she okay?
—Started it last night but then she needed some attention so she took over —-
Let’s just say somebody didn’t get sleep last night and it wasn’t her. Sometimes she would sleep in the space between the mattress and the wall , sometimes on the floor and sometimes she would just come and sleep next to me.
We have had a fairly enough breakfast ( compared to last night’s dinner) and pooped and now sleeping in my lap. How do you sit and nap?
—-Third attempt at trying to finish this now and I wish I was exaggerating.
April has eaten and pooped and peed well enough now, in the exact same spots, in front of my bathroom. Our sleeping patterns are also the same and we like licking me now. Me too April, me too.
She is alone at my home right now and I’ll see her again in a few hours. Until then I really hope she enjoys, sleeps and eats well. And not poop on my bed but if she does that will be another story.
Sigh. It is gonna be hard to stay away from her.
Request for a short survey.
Hi people,
I am doing a small study on storytellers and would love if you could take some time to answer them.
The link is at https://forms.gle/trtSxXvV8MYo7jSR8
I am here again. Been here for sometime now. I do know the way forward from here but I am afraid. I cannot pinpoint just one thing. It is all a hodge-podge.
If the anxiety of waiting wasn’t enough, add to it choosing to accept a job in an organisation that I always thought I’d avoid. I think I am more ashamed of myself than afraid.
I am trying to do things but honestly, all I want to do is just isolate myself and just have no contact with anybody. Everything is too much. This living, these feelings, these thoughts – too much.
What would I not do to have my brain shut up for a while.
Burn out
I am still not sure if this really exists or it is “just in my head”, but my brain has stopped functioning beyond its survival necessities. That too, is especially slow. No amount of sleep, TV shows, browsing Reddit seems to help.
I left my first job in December and Mumbai in the second week of January but there is still so much pending work because hello, research papers – do you ever get done? There is also the thing with writing SOPs and submitting applications – one more to go. But, I swear this month just seems to drag on. Hopefully , I will be done with at least as many submissions as there are by the 1st of Feb ( considering the last deadline day). And that is if I decide not to apply to any more universities besides the one in USA.
A part of me wants to travel across the length and breadth of India for the next few months, mostly because I am afraid that if the admits come in and I leave India , it would be really difficult to leave home and travel around. Am I making any sense? Now , since I still don’t have another job, I can totally do that but hey, I don’t have much savings and whatever I do, should be kept aside for the Masters, right? So, I’d still need a job, work, save and all of that. But I also need some alone time where I am not interacting with any body and just away from everything. However, I have also been feeling somewhat lonely regarding friends. It is probably me but I am not able to connect to anybody and have conversations without feeling judged/misinterpreted. But a part of me is also just tired of always being the one to take up initiatives so I have given up on that.
Each time I am lost, I always tend to go back to my 10 year old self. That girl definitely had her things together better than I do at 23. It also makes decision making super easy by just asking what would she do 🤷.
This post makes absolutely no sense and I am going to stop rambling now.
On vulnerability AGAIN!
I have probably shared this here before,but I realised/remembered again,that opening up and trusting somebody takes hell of a strength and should not be taken as a weakness. But recognising who to trust and how much to trust will take lots of trials and errors.
Integrated seconds of Life 